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Divorce is one of the biggest problems in the British Asian community today.
And so is our attitude towards it: divorce = bad person. That’s a bad mentality to have.
Most people I meet want to be in a relationship, yet can’t handle dating someone who’s divorced.
Of course, being divorced isn’t great. But it’s also not a bad thing.
It’s an opportunity to self reflect, understand how you got there, and learn from past mistakes.
I was joined by 40 South Asian guys and girls to talk about their dating experiences.
Divorce was a big topic.
This is what they were saying…
1. “My biggest problem is finding a man who can handle that I’m divorced. I’m also fiercely independent, live on my own and that scares men, but it’s not something I plan to be like forever. They don’t get that.”
2. “Being divorced shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing. It should be good. It shows so much strength. My parents and one of my sisters are divorced. They’re much happier. You shouldn’t have to be in relationship that makes you so low.”
3. “As a divorcee you have a past that is very obvious. But everyone has a past! People have been in relationships for 4/5 years, if not more. How’s that any different? You made the same emotional commitments to that person too.”
4. “Being divorced is such a stigma and taboo in the Asian community. Such a shame.”
5. “People need to be open minded enough to date a divorcee!”
6. “I’ve dated 2 divorced guys, one even had kids. I’m very open to that.”
7. “I want to know someone for at least 7 years before I marry them. I fear separation and divorce. Seen it too much in my family.”
8. “Divorce just means the person maybe wasn’t worth fighting for, hence we continue our search.”
9. “There is so much divorce in the Asian community these days it’s gone crazy.”
10. “When I’m upfront about being divorced, girls run a mile.”
There’s a lot to learn from these comments.
Divorce is the outcome of a permanently broken marriage.
But let’s take a step back.
Most people I meet say to me, “Kam, I want to get married.” My answer to that is, “Why?”
Understanding why you want to get married in the first place is fundamental.
For most, marriage is the be-all and end-all of life.
For others, marriage is part of a linear process; meet > date > relationship > marriage > family.
And for others, marriage doesn’t matter at all.
But there’s a fourth option. The better option in my experience: To see marriage as a by product of a successful relationship.
It’s foundational for you and I to know this.
If your goal is to get married, you’re heading for trouble. Rethink your end game.
For me and you, the goal is to build and maintain a successful relationship.
Marriage is the by product.
Remember, marriage is a beautiful thing, if done right.
Question: What is your end game?
Action: Spend a minimum of 7 minutes (max 1 hour) sitting in a chair thinking about why you want your end game. Take a step back, think deeper, and look at the bigger picture.
p.s. What’s the biggest thing I can help you with?