Divorce: What Are People Saying?

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Divorce is one of the biggest problems in the British Asian community today.

And so is our attitude towards it: divorce = bad person. That’s a bad mentality to have.

Most people I meet want to be in a relationship, yet can’t handle dating someone who’s divorced.

Of course, being divorced isn’t great. But it’s also not a bad thing.

It’s an opportunity to self reflect, understand how you got there, and learn from past mistakes.

I was joined by 40 South Asian guys and girls to talk about their dating experiences.

Divorce was a big topic.

This is what they were saying…

1. “My biggest problem is finding a man who can handle that I’m divorced. I’m also fiercely independent, live on my own and that scares men, but it’s not something I plan to be like forever. They don’t get that.”

2. “Being divorced shouldn’t be seen as a bad thing. It should be good. It shows so much strength. My parents and one of my sisters are divorced. They’re much happier. You shouldn’t have to be in relationship that makes you so low.”

3. “As a divorcee you have a past that is very obvious. But everyone has a past! People have been in relationships for 4/5 years, if not more. How’s that any different? You made the same emotional commitments to that person too.”

4. “Being divorced is such a stigma and taboo in the Asian community. Such a shame.”

5. “People need to be open minded enough to date a divorcee!”

6. “I’ve dated 2 divorced guys, one even had kids. I’m very open to that.”

7. “I want to know someone for at least 7 years before I marry them. I fear separation and divorce. Seen it too much in my family.”

8. “Divorce just means the person maybe wasn’t worth fighting for, hence we continue our search.”

9. “There is so much divorce in the Asian community these days it’s gone crazy.”

10. “When I’m upfront about being divorced, girls run a mile.”

There’s a lot to learn from these comments.

Divorce is the outcome of a permanently broken marriage.

But let’s take a step back.

Most people I meet say to me, “Kam, I want to get married.” My answer to that is, “Why?”

Understanding why you want to get married in the first place is fundamental.

For most, marriage is the be-all and end-all of life.

For others, marriage is part of a linear process; meet > date > relationship > marriage > family.

And for others, marriage doesn’t matter at all.

But there’s a fourth option. The better option in my experience: To see marriage as a by product of a successful relationship.

It’s foundational for you and I to know this.

If your goal is to get married, you’re heading for trouble. Rethink your end game.

For me and you, the goal is to build and maintain a successful relationship.

Marriage is the by product.

Remember, marriage is a beautiful thing, if done right.

Question: What is your end game?

Action: Spend a minimum of 7 minutes (max 1 hour) sitting in a chair thinking about why you want your end game. Take a step back, think deeper, and look at the bigger picture.

Kamey

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5 comments

  1. Hi Kamey, wise words from a person that understands that marriage is much more than a goal or destination, but more about an on going relationship. I like the way in, which you have drawn this from the topic of “divorce”.

  2. I am a divorcee and I feel I struggle to meet a decent guy because of it. I feel that because I am a divorcee, guys feel I should be grateful for any attention I get which is horrible because I am a good person and I deserve to be treated with the same respect, like any other girl. It’s true a girl might not have married before, but if she’s been with 10 guys previously, what’s worse? I have only been with one guy, and that was through an arrange marriage, but most likely a guy will look past me because of the stigma of being a divorcee = a bad person, and go for the other girl.

    1. Agreed! Such a great point.

  3. That’s true… That’s what happened to me…!

    And when young guys talk, they think that we lass’s who are divorced are here just for fun and a sexual relationship. It’s wrong… I am from a very respectful family…

    But Sikh guys don’t understand this… Even the English guys understand better…!! And it’s a shame… We have a reputation too…!!!

    Before I got married Have never had a boyfriend it was straight marriage… Arranged marriage too… Have been separated for 5 years with him and never looked at a guy again…!! Now days girls go out with guys before marriage and do all sort of thing what there are not to do.. 5,,6 boyfriends and there still good girls…

    What does that means..??

    And this is what I get from guys….!!

    How are u going to trust any guy when there come out with full of s**t…!!
    Sorry but it’s true..!!

    And sorry if I have hurt anyone Becoz am not like that..!! No hard feelings

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